When are people going to get it about substance abuse?

When are people going to get it about substance abuse?

An old friend of mine is sitting in a hospital bed right now on life support. His brain is dead, but his heart keeps beating, and his lungs have been replaced by a ventilator. His life is ending as his family feared -- a mix of alcohol and prescription drugs.

Don and I knew each other in school, and due to a marriage, he became a distant relative as well. When Don was a little kid, one close family member shot another family member and then himself, killing them both. Blood was everywhere, and it took Don's mother months to clean it up.

Don's Dad liked to drink, and instead of bringing Don to a Psychologist like parents today might, his Dad took him to church, and then, to a bar. Thirty years later, Don has continued to drink instead of dealing with his pain. Couch-surfing, job-hopping, a failed marriage, a lost son, dumpster-diving and sometimes homelessness. Thirty years of shame, sadness, ridicule, humiliation, and pain... intense, unfathomable, unimaginable, physical and emotional pain.
I picture Don lying in that hospital bed hundreds of miles away, and I am happy for him that his agony is about to be over. I am relieved for his family they no longer have to worry about him freezing to death on the sidewalk, and for his son, whose life with other parents can go on without complications.

And in my heart, I grieve for Don. I grieve not for the life he is leaving, but for the life he never had. I grieve for his youth, marred by a horrible accident, and further stolen by misguided decisions. I grieve for the child he remained forever -- the 16 year old who was still hiding inside him, drinking, grieving, avoiding, and hurting.

I called someone close to him this morning, and was quite surprised that her attitude was anger. "We always knew he would do this" she said. Granted, she deserved to be angry - 30 years of hoping, praying, pleading, nagging, crying, and still, no change. 30 years of excuses, borrowing money, being untrustworthy, and "tricked again". His family is tired, angry, and desperate for peace. They too have known their pain... lots of pain.

I called someone else I know who is very religious. She said people at her church come in like that, and they are saved by Jesus. They "snap out of it" when they realize what they were doing was wrong. Their type of recovery is instantaneous.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I was fortunate to have known another person who started out on Don's path, but for whom the journey was cut short when he got help for it. Family counseling, personal counseling, professional substance abuse support and daily meetings did the trick. It was difficult, grueling, expensive and frustrating, but it worked. There was nothing instantaneous about it. Each day is both a challenge, and a gift. Lessons were learned by this person and his entire family -- lessons that will make them stronger in the future. Things are going very well for this person now.

I wonder how many of the people at the church I heard about actually "recover" under the guise of "there is something spiritually wrong" with them. If only they would "learn right from wrong" or "have a spiritual awakening" they could just walk away from their troubles, they are told. If only they wanted it badly enough.

I think of Don, and I think of all the filth and pain he has experienced and I am happy for him that it is over. Happy he no longer sleeps in a dumpster, happy he no longer feels like a failure, and happy no one else has to deal with his addiction.

The sadness I am left with is not for Don after all, it is for us. How many more Dons will suffer from substance abuse because as a culture, we do not help people, boys especially, deal with their emotional pain which can lead to substance abuse? I don't blame Don's well-meaning parents -- seeing a Psychologist 30 years ago was as likely as seeing a psychic is now -- not exactly mainstream.

In Don's memory, I write this blog entry. Instead of offering your condolences to me, please consider who in your life has experienced trauma, and please ask yourself, "Am I in the position to help, even a little, by really listening? How can I let them know I am thinking of them now? How can I make a difference?

Peace.

RIP Don 1960-2009