Homophobia kills. Loving Acceptance Saves Lives.

Homophobia kills. Loving Acceptance Saves Lives.
Ben was one of my closest friends. He killed himself when we were young. Like all very young adults, he was dealing with identity issues -- who he was, where he belonged, where he was going, who he could trust. He was also struggling with issues of his own sexuality, knowing his church, his parents, and many of his friends might be disappointed in him if they knew the issues he was wrestling with.

In those days, being gay, or even thinking you might be, was almost a death sentence. The suicide rate for gay and lesbian youth was ten times the rate of straight kids. The rate of substance abuse and depression was dozens of times higher, and it still is today. Homophobia was rampant, and slurs and jokes against gays and lesbians were the norm. Ridicule was everywhere -- in magazines, in movies, on television shows, everywhere (anyone remember Liberace or "Three's Company"?).



Back then, most people believed being gay was a "choice" or an illness. After decades of scientific research, and millions of people coming out of the closet to share their painful stories of rejection, we have learned a great deal. We now know people are born leaning toward one orientation or another, and that being gay has absolutely nothing to do with moral character, how a person's parents treated them, or their spiritual education.
Being gay has nothing to do with child molestation either, in fact, a much higher proporation of child molesters are heterosexual than homosexual. Sexual molestation is a power-play - a function of anti-social dominance and aggression inflicted upon those more vulnerable by people in power. Our children are just as much at risk-- maybe more -- being in the class with heterosexual teachers, than with homosexual teachers. Don't believe me? Read the research.
You cannot "pray away the gay" in you, any more than you can pray away your own brown hair or green eyes. Most people know from the time the are four or five they might be gay (or straight, incidentally). There is even some scientific evidence a person's sexual orientation may be genetic.
Homosexuality exists in the animal world, alongside heterosexuality, and may serve evolutionarily to keep colonies of animals from over-producing, while keeping caretaking behaviors strong. In the animal kingdom, not all adults reproduce (look at bees and ants!). Nature designs things so there are not too many children, whether it is a pack, or hive, or colony, or nest, for the number of adults who must provide for them. In other words, nature reminds us every adult is a constructive part of any community, whether they reproduce sexually or not. In many species, homosexual couples bond for life just like heterosexual couples do.
In human history, families have always existed with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sister, and infants all living together in one camp or village (read the Bible for examples!). Nuclear family units are not natural in either the animal kingdom, nor throughout human history. Isolated nuclear family units did not emerge until the 1950s in most places, and only in post-industrialized nations. Many social scientists have found the social isolation found in nuclear family units without adequate social support networks can be psychologically damaging. Like all mammals, we are social animals who need to give and receive love.
As a result of a shift in understanding, many suicides can now be prevented with love and compassion. When I was a suicide counselor in Ypsilanti, MI for a few years after college, I heard stories like Ben's dozens of times, and each time, the person calling was in immense emotional pain. Comforting people, loving them, telling them there is nothing wrong with them just because they are gay, and reminding them they are worthy human beings, just like everyone else, can go a long way to keeping people alive. We saved hundreds of lives that way every year.
I personally believe God is on my side every time I affirm, love, honor, respect, and lift up someone who happens to be gay. Being a compassionate human being is not the same as endorsing, condoning, or encouraging one sexual orientation over another. IT IS ABOUT COMPASSION AND JUSTICE. It's about liberty and freedom and all the things we hold dear as Americans. It is about decency, and brotherhood, and LOVE for our neighbor.
I also believe, and there is tremendous evidence to support my belief, the Bible has been interpreted and reinterpreted so many times, by so many cultures and governments, that some of what's left may not necessarily reflect the intention of its writer(s). It is probably much more of an evolving historical document than a Divine one.
The Bible tells us that which is Divine is in our hearts, and that G-d is love. The Golden Rule tells us to treat others as we wish to be treated. All of the world's great faiths teach us to "LOVE AND CARE FOR EACH OTHER". What more could we possibly need?
There are now churches and synagogues that welcome and affirm gay members and help them to feel lovable and valuable. These churches make it clear that loving people is not the same thing as endorsing behaviors or subscribing to a political agenda, and that all people are equal under the sheltering arms of a loving G-d. They put LOVE up front, where it is supposed to be, where Jesus and Moses and Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr. and the Dalai Lama, and so many other spiritual leaders have told us it should be.
Losing Ben changed my life, and gave me my mission -- to offer compassion and comfort to people who feel disenfranchised in some way. That mission includes speaking out against injustice perpetrated toward people who are gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual. They, WE, are all made in the image of G-d.
Whether you agree with me religiously or not, please help me spread the message within our communities, that OUR JOB ON THIS EARTH IS TO LOVE -- not to judge, humiliate, shame, belittle, torture, shun, banish, punish, or change other people. Please join me in condemning such hatred and emotional violence, every place, every situation, every time.
Life is too short for hate. I love you all (equally).

Nancy

P.S. For more information for families and friends of gays and lesbians, find your closets chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They offer support for families and individuals, and have a comprehensive resource library on research on homosexuality.

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To My Friend "Ben"
Thank-you for your smiles that have never faded.
And for the laughs that still make me smile.
Thank-you for the fun that we shared together.
So many memories of good times,
never knowing it would end.
Thank-you for sharing your family with all of us,
and for making all of us your family.
Please know we will never forget you.


You left first.
Always the brave one,
always the one who trusted.
Always the one who believed it was going to be okay.

But it wasn’t okay.


How I wish I knew what you were feeling.



How many times I have wished I knew.

How many times I have wished I could have prevented it.
How many times I have wished away the pain...
for your Mom, your Dad, for your little sister, for us.
But mostly for you.

I am so very, very sorry I couldn’t.

I miss you today, just like I did then.

I miss your laugh – your greatest gift.

The one you gave to all,
So generously, so lovingly.
Everyday.
I don’t remember you ever asking for anything in return.
Your laughter still fills my heart,
and keeps me warm when I am cold.
Your friendship guides me in my work,

every day of my life.

Now, with the loving arms of your parents are around you,
you are no longer alone.

You were there to welcome them,
And to love them.
Just as you did in life.
I hope their loving arms have given you what you have waited for, for so long.
I wish I could be with you, too.
Someday, I will be.

And I will say,

Thank-you for making it okay, again.